...And No Illness Like Man-Flu

I hate getting sick. I hate that scratchy feeling in the back of my throat and the feeling that wet cotton balls are being stored in my sinuses. The worst bit is the knowledge that I'm probably not going to sleep properly for 4 days because my snoring will constantly shock me awake.

Nobody likes to get sick, but we handle it like everything else every other day. Why is it, then, that when a man gets ill, the whole world must stop and give him sympathy? They must sacrifice something in his honour so that he may feel well again and grace the public world with his presence. I can handle the flu - I may have one day off work (channelling death warmed up is not attractive) but in an effort to be a functioning member of society I get back to it and the sickness will eventually peel away. When men get sick, they make it a point to express just how difficult it is to get out of bed, let alone go to work. The words 'dying' and 'impossible' are thrown around excessively and there is suddenly a need for attention. And toast.

Man-flu is an epidemic. It is sweeping the world by storm, much like bird-flu and swine-flu did. Like these, i'm sure there will be vaccinations for socially enhanced males, and football players so that their everyday activities aren't jeopardised by the horrific illness (much like the pregnant and elderly are at risk with mammalian themed viruses). And also like these viruses, I'm sure that one level headed doctor - a woman, I'm sure - will come along to burst the bubbles of the paranoid. The headline will read 'Man-flu proves to be no more dangerous than the common cold'. Work productivity will go up, our economy will boost and our national debts will be thwarted.

What makes the man-flu so much different to every other sickness? God forbid if it were actually a variant stream of the cold - no woman would ever hear the end of it, but is it possible? If it were, I want my own sickness. Women can have their own named something like Estroenza, and it can only be cured by the receiving of jewellery and a week without responsibility. And a bath. And a raise. Children can have their own too; something that displays symptoms such as confusion ("mummy, my tummy hurts" while rubbing their head) and tendencies to forget they are even sick at all. The elderly may as well have one while I'm at it - they shouldn't, really, they have enough. But hey, I'm feeling generous.

Until these viruses are discovered and I receive all royalties when they are pattened, I stand by my theory that the dreaded man-flu is just a dramatisation of something that deserves very little attention. However, we should come to accept it. After all, the fish that got away was never that big, the cut on his foot never needs stitches and the lawn mower isn't broken. It just needs petrol.